Think about it...

Let me give you a little advice.
If you are young, don't rush to get into a relationship.

Here I am at work at 6am wondering what the hell I am doing.

I hate this job.

I spend my hole day sleeping and I get nothing done. I use to be so active. It is really annoying to because my roommate upstairs says I have no reason to be upset.
There is a lot going on in my life right now, but sometimes I wonder if it would be better if I could just be bymyself. Being in a show, work, the prospects of a new relationship.

Who am I kidding. I am deppressed. I am still not over Lauren, and still beating myself up about it. I went up to Amherst this weekend to visit with my friends and they listened to me talk trash all weekend. But that is all I did. Talk trash. I never showed them how sad I really was by her breaking up with me. You get into a realtionship, and for the first couple weeks it is nirvana. Then if you spend a lot of time with the person, familiarity sets in. Then you start integrating and changing your living patterens for that person. Next thing you know, you are leaving clothes there and she is leaving clothes with you.

Somehow during all that intensity, the coolness, the sweetness, the laughter gets lost and is replaced by tears and annoyance. You start looking around and saying, "Do I really want to be in this relationship?"

Sitting on the 22nd floor of my building waiting for the sun to set, I realized how deppressed I am. I started to think about my failed relationship and some how she seemed to be important to me, and I remembered all the good feelings. Those first few weeks. I almost started to cry, so I held that in to.

I am bummed, deppressed and lonely and I spend that time cramming it with activities so that I don't have to feel that way. I make calls to friends, and fill up my calendar so that I don't have to deal with it. But it is there. Then I moan, "Oh, how I wish I could make it better. How I wish I could change things. Oh I wish she would take me back."

I have only ever had one woman take me back. I've talked to friends who have had girlfriends take them back, and then they got married. I guess the right place the right time sort of thing comes into play.

Sleeping and eating have come back to me of sorts. I am not drinking as much as I work during the nights, and it is making me miserable even more. I should quit my job. I hate it hear. What else am I going to do? Where else can I work.

I feel terrible. The knitted hearts still sit in my bag. I guess I should just throw them out, but instead I ignore their presence. Maybe I should just spend more time at home bymyself being deppressed. I could play WOW again. But can't because it reminds me of her.

Why would you break up with someone if you didn't have something else lined up? I have been dumped before for an other guy. But just to break up with someone just to break up? Being single sucks. Being in a relationship is a lot of responsibility and I see how I failed that. Life is about learning. It really sucks letting someone down who you love. I am going to watch the sunrise now.